Recognize How Your Brain Shapes Reality, for Better or Worse
Recently, I had the good fortune of being invited to a dinner party. It was one of those magical nights where you forget your busy life and completely relax. Good friends, friends of friends that I have met before, and a few new faces, were all seated around the table. The house was beautiful and welcoming, the food delicious, and there was lots of laughter and animated conversation.
I was sitting next to a woman whom I hadn’t met before and genuinely liked. She seemed amicable, smart, grounded, graceful. As the evening was winding down and the guests had thinned, she explained that she didn’t like the area where she lived. The people were rude, unfriendly, and now that she had a child, she felt even more isolated. I listened with compassion. I too moved to this area from a different part of the country, yet after the first few awkward years trying to meet people, I started to really feel at home. Every year my network of friends increases and I am oh-so grateful, especially because I have experienced the feelings she described.
Before she left, I turned to her and implored her to try to stay hopeful, to welcome in the idea that she could meet new friends that she really enjoys. Another guest joined in with a similar message.
Was she able to take in our suggestions?
Well… oftentimes our minds are already set. We have drawn conclusions based upon the data that we have taken in, and because of the way our brains work, we start collecting data selectively, only seeing what supports the ‘truth’ that we have already established. This human tendency is called confirmation bias, and it is particularly strong when we are emotional about the issue, or if we have an entrenched belief about it. We become convinced that things are the way they are, to the point that we are not able to recognize new data that is contrary to our mindset.
So, while I had hoped this woman might be open to shifting her perspective, it seemed that she was convinced things could not change. She insisted that the people in her area were not nice and recounted three more stories of interactions where she had extended herself and been slighted. After we said our goodbyes, I was left marveling over the conversation. This lady had just met half-a-dozen friendly, fun women, yet still left convinced that friendly, fun people could not be found in the area. How had this happened? Usually I would have thought to ask to stay connected, and possibly put her in touch with other new mothers that I know, but in that interaction, as if enchanted, I had been overcome by her viewpoint.
She has every right to choose her reality, after all. Who was I to try to change it?
It made me wonder where I use confirmation bias to create unpleasant situations in my life. We are all biased, because creating bias is how the mind functions. It enables us to limit what we take in so that we can organize information and make decisions. But when our biases influence us to only perceive the negative, we start creating negative experiences. And sometimes, if we can be fully honest with ourselves, we may find that we get some enjoyment out of life’s fiascos. Maybe we secretly find drama exciting, or want to feel needed, important, self-righteous, or find that being the victim feels safer than taking responsibility for our power.
Where do your biases lie?
Here are some ways to question your reality:
- Think of an area of your life that makes you feel uncomfortable.
- Determine which negative biases could be supporting the situation.
- If this experience is feeding you in some way, acknowledge what you need, and endeavor to have it fulfilled in other ways. For example, if you like to help, yet feel like you are often taken advantage of, set some strict boundaries and become pickier about when, where, and how you help others.
- Finally, start to open yourself up to data that is positive. This means searching for the data that confirms you are wonderful, lovable, supported.
- Are you sitting in a comfortable chair? You are supported.
- Have you received some small kindness? You are loved.
- Have you offered some small kindness to another? You are wonderful.
Become a positive data-collector. We will always be biased, that is guaranteed, we just need to make sure we are biased in the right direction. Be stubbornly intentional about everything you create, and practice gratitude by appreciating the good stuff, large and small.
